The Ballad of the Death of Captain Klank


tlhanq Hegh bom

This is a song, written in tlhingan-Hol, about Captain Klank, a minor character in Douglas MacLeod's Door Repair Guy series. DRG is an extremely funny and well written comedy series set in the Star Trek universe. This song recounts the events in episodes #32, Threshold through #35, The Nostril as closely as possible, with some room for poetic license. I would appreciate any grammatical suggestions. Enjoy.

yI'Ij, SuvwI', yI'Ijchu'
batlhlut Heghlut je vIja'
la'ma' 'It, la'ma' Do'qu'
yay quv'a' je nuDevta'
Listen, warriors, listen well!
I tell a story of honor and a story of Death
Our sad commander, our very lucky commander
He led us to victory and great honor

Qo'noSvo' wo''a' HeHDaq
maghwI'pu' mIgh DItlha'DI'
nom ghoStaHvIS Sanmaj jaq
Qu'maj potlh wIbuSchu'lI'

From Kronos to the Great Empire's edge
As we chase the evil traitors
Quickly we approach our bold fate
We are concentrating perfectly on our important mission

DaH wo' HurDaq mej Dujmaj
DIvI' mich wIwemvIpbe'
'ach potlhbejmo' Qu''a'maj
pujwI'pu'! numevmoHbe'

Now our ship departs to the outside of the Empire
We are not afraid to violate Federation Space
But because our great mission is certaintly important
Weaklings! They cannot make us stop

BajorDaq lotlhwI' DItlha'
Kira juH! be' HoS! vaj QaQ!
Cardassinganpu' HoHta'
reH tIqwIj chuyDaHmey laQ

We chase the rebels to Bajor
Kira's Home! Strong woman! Good warrior!
She has killed Cardassians
She always fires the thrusters of my heart

'ach DaH lutvelth vIja'be'
DaH HoDma' tlhanq Do' wIbuS
DaHjaj Do''a' tlhanq? ghobe'!
DaHjaj lujpu' tlhanq! wInuS

But I cannot tell that story now
Now we concentrate on our lucky Captain Klank
Is Klank lucky today? No!
Today Klank has failed! We ridicule him

lujpu'mo' 'Itqu' tam 'ej
qorDu'Daj Qub SIQlaHbe'
qorDu'Daj, Dotlh'a' chIlbej
DaH yabDajDaq lo'laHbe'

Because he has failed, he is very depressed and quiet
He cannot bear to think about his family
His family will certainly lose its great status
Now he is worthless in his own mind

vaj taHlaHbe' 'e' Sovchu'
mobtaHvis pu'HichDaj pep
QuchDajDaq QuchHa' 'ej chu'
tlhaQ 'oH! reH Qay'be' 'e' yep

Thus he clearly knows that he cannot endure
While he is alone, he raises his phaser pistol
to his unhappy forehead and activates it
It is funny! He was always careful not to blow his top

HoDma' 'oy 'e' wISovbe'
Quark tach'e' chIch wIQaw'taH
leghlaH Odo 'ach 'oH botbe'
machechmo' vay' ram wISaH

We did not know of our captain's pain
We are destroying Quark's bar on purpose
Odo can see, but he does not prevent it
Because we are drunk, we care about unimportant things

HoDma' yIn toD Qel Bashir
De'wI'yab chu' tlhanq nob Qel
QaQmo' Qel Hergh naQ tlhanq DIr
DaH rIn Bashir Qu' 'ej bel

Doctor Bashir saves our captain's life
The doctor gives Klank a new computer brain
Because the Doctor's medicine is good, Klank's skin is whole
Now Bashir's task is finished, and he is pleased

vemDI' HoDma' QuchHa'qu'
QuchDaj HotDI' ghopDaj bIt
vaj yabDaj baS 'el wa' mu'
"Hab" jatlhDI' tlhanq HoD quv vIt

When our captain awakes, he is very unhappy
When his hand feels his forehead, he is nervous
Then one word enters his metal mind
When honored Captain Klank says "smooth", he speaks the truth

tugh Quark tachDaq wImejpa'
Hoch wIghor, wISamlaHbogh
Dujmaj tI' O'Brien. Ha'!
'ach DaH la'ma', tlheghDaq nogh

Soon, before we leave Quark's bar
We break everything, which we can find
O'Brien repairs our ship. Let's go!
But now our commander, he writhes on a rope

toH lutu'DI' nom lujotlh
DIvI' ropyaHDaq lulan
maH loS DuraS be'nI' ngotlh
ghaH poQDI' Qu', ruch tlhingan

So when they find him, they quickly take him down
They place him in the Federation infirmary
The fanatical sister of Duras waits for us
When the mission demands him, a Klingon proceeds

DaHjaj QonglaHbe' tlhanq HoD
tlhanq, lo'laHbe' pagh pI'choH
batlh, Qugh'a'vetlh wIchaw'Qo'
San qab yIlIj, wIquvmoH

Captain Klank cannot sleep today
Klank, useless or becoming fat
Honorably, we won't allow that great disaster
Forget evil Fate, we will honor him

ropyaHvo' lo'ma' wInge'
batlh tlhanq Qorghpu' Bashir Qel
Qel val, numevmoH nIDbe'
wIQIHnISbe'mo' mabel

We take our commander away from the infirmary
Honorably, Doctor Bashir cared for Klank
The clever Doctor, he does not try to make us stop
We are pleased because we do not need to damage him

nom Dujmaj tIq tIQ wItIj
quSDajDaq HoDma' wIchagh
vaj joghDaq wejDich wIchIj
nom mavIH, maH nISlaH pagh

Quickly we board our long, ancient ship
We drop our captain in his chair
Then we navigate to the Gamma Quadrant
We move quickly, nothing can hinder us

DujDaj meH legh ra'wI'ma'
DaH pay' ghaH merlaw' ghu'Daj
'ach tugh, yajDI' 'ej yInqa'
qulmo' chu' boch mInDu'Daj

Our commander sees the bridge of his ship
Now suddenly his situation apparently surprises him
But soon, when he understands and lives again
His eyes shine with new fire

chIch joghDaq wejDIch mayev
jagh wInejmeH yoS wIHotlh
maDuvDI' vogh maH loS tev
vaj DISam 'ej jatlh tlhanq, "Hotlh!"

We pause in the Gamma Quadrant on purpose
In order to search for the enemy, we scan the area
When we advance, the prize awaits us somewhere
Then we locate them and Klank says, "On screen!"

DaH pIvghor chu'qa' DeghwI'
"toH, pIvlob nuq" tlhob HoD Sagh
pIvlob Soch jangbej DeghwI'
"Do Do'" jatlh tlanq 'ej pay' Hagh

Now the helmsman engages the warp drive again
The serious captain asks, "So, what warp factor?"
The helmsman answers certainly, "warp factor seven"
Klank says "lucky speed" and laughs suddenly

Quchqa'law' tlhanq 'e' wInaD
'ach choHvam wIyajbejbe'
maw' tlhanq 'e' Harlu'chugh qaD
'ach neH jumlaw' tlhanq, maw'be'

We commend that Klank is apparently happy again
But we do not certainly understand this change
If anyone believes that Klank is crazy, he will challenge him
But Klank is apparently only odd, not crazy

tugh bomHom Qub HoDma' jum
vaj bomHomDaj tlhaQ nuja'
ghogh wISamlaHbe', malum
'ach vaj tlhanq HoDma' wImuv

Soon our odd captain thinks of a little song
Then he tells us his funny little song
We cannot find a voice, we hesitate
But then we join our Captain Klank

"jem HaDar vIpar vIHar"
"jem HaDar vIpar vIHar"
"jem HaDar DaQaw'laH 'ar"
"jem HaDar DaQaw'laH 'ar"

"I think I hate the Jem Hadar"
"I think I hate the Jem Hadar"
"How many Jem Hadar can you destroy"
"How many Jem Hadar can you destroy"

DaH QIt chIch leghchuq beq mIS
QuchHa' 'e' nargh yaS cha'DIch
pay', tlhanq HoD, quSDajDaq tIS
yaH meH je mej yaS cha'DIch

Now the confused crew slowly and purposely look at each other
The second officer appears unhappy
Suddenly, Captain Klank, he is light in his chair
The second officer leaves his station and the bridge

yas wa'DIch Sam yas cha'DIch
"qatlh HoD DaqaDbe'" tlhob yaS
"HoS yabDaj" jang yaS wa'DIch
"lughbe'!" jachDI' nom HIv yaS

The second officer seeks out the first officer
He asks, "Why don't you challenge the captain?"
The first officer answers, "His mind is strong"
The second attacks as he yells, "Wrong!"

qaS may'vam 'e' wISovbe'
DaH lotlhwI'pu' wItlha'lI'
quSDajDaq tam tlhanq, SaHbe'
pay' "HoD! HIv Duj!" jach chIjwI'

We do not know that this battle is occuring
Now we are chasing the rebels
Klank is quiet in his chair, unconcerned
Suddenly the navigator shouts, "Captain! Ship attacking!"

HoDma', mInDu'Daj poSmoH
mIStaHvIS, "Fire on it" jatlh
Huy'maj wIpep, numISmoH
beq, tlhingan-Hol neH wijatlh

Our captain, he opens his eyes
In his confusion, he says, "Fire on it"
We raise our eyebrows, he confuses us
The crew, we speak only Klingon

nom yajlaw' 'ej lugh'eghmoH
"baH" jatlh 'ej mu'vam wIyaj
baHwI', baH 'ej Duj rIQmoH
'ach Vor'cha 'oH 'ej HoSghaj

Quickly, he apparently understands and corrects himself
"Fire", he says, and we understand this word
The gunner, he fires, and injures the ship
But it is a Vor'cha and it is powerful

baH Vor'cha 'ej maH mup peng
jor HaSta, puv tlhinganpu'
nom meH DungDaq chen tlhIch'eng
jach tlhanq 'ach yajbe' loDpu'

The Vor'cha fires and torpedoes strike us
Displays explode, Klingons fly
Quickly a smoke cloud forms above the bridge
Klank yells, but the men do not understand

DaH "pu'DaH, cha" ra' ra'wI'
'ach "narghta'" jang chIjwI' matlh
"tItlha'. nuqDaq yaSpu'wI'"
tlhanq, nqabpu' 'e' tu'DI' jatlh

Now our commander orders, "phaser banks, torpedoes"
But the loyal navigator answers, "They have escaped"
"Follow them. Where are my officers?"
Klank, he speaks as he discovers that they have vanished

yaSpu' tu' vutwI' boQwI'
batlh HoHchuqpu' SuvwI' Dun
Hegh ghuHmoH vutwI' boQwI'
yoS mejmo' yu'lu' 'e' jun

The cook's assistant discovers the officers
Honorably, the great fighters have killed each other
The cook's assistant warns the Dead
She leaves the area to avoid questions

jol yoDmey joq wIghajbe'
Vor'cha He DuraS He je
rap Hechaj, maQaghlaHbe'
muvchuq may'Duj Duras je

We have no transporters or shields
The course of the Vor'cha and the course of the Duras
Their courses are the same, we cannot be mistaken
The battle cruiser and the Duras are in league

QIt chIch wIy nuD baHwI' yep
"bortaS 'oH Dujvetlh'e'" jatlh
ghup baHwI'. "qatlh nuHIv" bep
"jISIvbej, jIyajbe'" jatlh

Slowly and purposefully, the careful gunner examines the tactical display
He says, "That ship is the Bortas"
The gunner swallows. "Why did they attack us," he complains
He says, "I certainly wonder, I don't understand"

DaH tlhich langDaq maleghchuq
mayev, ghu'vam qay' mabuS
DaH ram bortaS 'e' wIwuq
Sengmey, law'; DuHmeymaj, puS

Now we can see each other in the thin smoke
We pause, we consider this problematic situation
Now we decide that the Bortas is unimportant
Problems, they are many; our options, they are few

vaj Dujmaj QIH wItI'qa'
vumtaHvIS Quchba' HoD le'
DaH bom Huj bom'egh HoDma'
HoSghaj bom 'ach wIghovbe'

Then we have again repaired our damaged ship
While he works, the exceptional captain is obviously happy
Now our captain sings a strange song to himself
The song is powerful but we do not recognize it

(At this point the singer hums
the first few bars of Bach's
"Tocata and Fugue in D minor")

DaH InglIS jatlh'eng HoDma'
'ach mu' wIyajbogh wIQoy
"baH'a' joHwI'" tlhob matHa'
"Bach" Qochbe' HoDma', maloy

Now our captain is speaking English to himself
But we hear a word which we understand
The gunner asks, "Fire, my lord?"
Our captain agrees, "Bach", we suppose

batlh wa' peng baH baHwI' Dugh
'ach mIS tlhanq 'ej "yIQIj" ra'
"baH chora'pu'" jang 'ej lugh
qaSmeH potlh loSlaw' HoDma'

Honorably the vigilant gunner fires one torpedo
But Klank is confused and orders, "Explain"
He responds, "you ordered me to fire", and he is correct
Our captain apparently waits for something important to happen

pay' jorta' peng 'e' wIlegh
'ej jem'Hadar Duj So' 'ang
nom jagh qaDmeH Duj tlhe' Degh
DaH SaH jagh 'ej mavangqang

Suddenly we see that the torpedo has exploded
And it reveals a cloaked Jem Hadar ship
Quickly the helm turns the ship to challenge the enemy
Now the enemy is present, and we are willing to act

nurI' 'ej jIHDaq DIcha'
vaj "tlhinganS, tlhinganS!" lujach
jem'Hadar leghlaH beqma'
vaj "DaSpu'nachDu'!" wIjach

They hail us and we display them on the view screen
Then they yell, "Klingons, Klingons!"
Our crew can see the Jem Hadar
Thus we yell, "Bootspike heads!"

batlh may''e' SIbI' matagh
maHIvDI' QaQbe'ba' may'
rop Dujmaj 'ej nom vIH jagh
HoSghaj jem'Hadar 'ej qay'

Honorably we begin the battle, immediately
As we attack, the battle is obviously not going well
Our ship is ill and the enemy moves quickly
The Jem Hadar are powerful and they are a problem

pu'mo' chamo' je mabech
jonta' 'ay' QIH jem'Hadar
DaH qulchaj narghmeH manech
Do' DIjeylaH 'e' wIHar

We suffer due to phasers and torpedoes
The Jem Hadar damage the engineering section
Now we move laterally to in order to escape their fire
With luck, we believe that we can defeat them

jor meHyaH, Dungvo' pum baS
pay' Dujmaj jol jem'Hadar
jagh QaS qIp tlhinganpu' naS
jem HaDar wIQaw'laH 'ar

Bridge stations explode, metal falls from above
Suddenly, the Jem Hadar transport to our ship
Vicious Klingons strike the enemy troops
How many Jem Hadar can you destroy

bong wa' jagh DeS ghajtaHvIS
jagh wa'nuvjoljan chu' vaj
ngab cha' 'ej lupHom mamIS
DuHmey wIbuS 'ej mayaj

Accidentally, while he has the arm of one of the enemy
A warrior activates the enemy's personal transporter device
The two disappear and we are confused for a moment
We consider the possibilities and we understand

nom Dujvo' ngab tlhinganpu'
nuSuv 'e' neHmo' jagh Hoch
Dujchaj chIm lumejlaw'pu'
nom Duj wIchargh, latlh wIghoch

Quickly Klingons vanish from the ship
Because every enemy wants to fight us
They have apparently departed their empty ship
Quickly we conquer their ship, we track down another one

ghoS jem'Hadar Duj cha'DIch
So'Ha'DI' matam, maloS
HeghchoHlaw' Dujmaj wa'DIch
baHbeH, baH Dujmeymaj, ngoS

The second Jem Hadar ship approaches
As it uncloaks, we are quiet, we wait
Our first ship is apparently dying
They are ready to fire, our ships fire, they vaporize

tugh jagh Dujmey puS wItoj
QIt valchoH jem'Hadar QIp
latlh Duj nunob 'e' wItoj
jagh Duj wIQaw' qoj wIngIp

Soon we deceive a few enemy ships
Slowly the stupid Jem Hadar become smarter
We trick them into giving us another ship
We destroy or we borrow enemy ships

DaH rInlaw'DI' may''a'maj
wa'maH cha' Duj wIQaw'pu'
wej Duj jonpu' tlhingan vaj
'ach Dujmaj ngo' lupuypu'

Now when our great battle is apparently over
We have destroyed twelve ships
Klingon warriors have captured three ships
But they have wrecked our old ship

Dujmaj meHDaq wIcheghDI'
DIDaq tlhanq HoDma' wItu'
nachDajDaq pumpu' lIngwI'
'ach yIlegh! Habbe' Quch chu'

As we return to the bridge of our ship
We discover our Captain Klank in the debris
A generator has fallen on his head
But look! His new forehead is not smooth

HoDma' Do', tlhanq Do', tlhanq quv
batlh HeghmeH yay'a' nuDev
DaH Sto-Vo-KorDaq vaj Suv
Quch 'IHmo' naDmeychaj Hev

Our lucky captain, lucky Klank, honored Klank
He led us to a great victory so that he died honorably
Now he battles warriors in Sto-Vo-Kor
He receives their admiration for his handsome forehead

naDev mevnISbej bomwIj
tlhanq lut botIv 'e' vIneH
DaH vIchupbogh qech yI'Ij
Doch Do' 'oHchu' batlh'e' teH

My song must certainly end here
I want you all to enjoy the story of Klank
Now listen to the idea which I suggest
It is true that honor is clearly a lucky thing

The End

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